Buckle up, kids. We’re going on a roller-coaster of shit sandwiches.
And by shit, I mean feels.
I mentioned in my previous post about my self-worth being basically destroyed. It’s a thing. It happens to people who caretake and who have mental illness and whateverthefuck. It’s a real thing! I wanted to dig deeper into why I feel the way I do currently. I have some fun suspicions and speculations. Do bear with me…
I could start at year one, when I was birthed to a wonderful mother and a shit father. I could start when my mother’s next husband adopted me and things went even further downhill. And I could talk about my harrowing rape/abuse stories regarding dating while I was a teen. But why? All of this made me who I am today. It has strengthened me and given me tools to deal with future-me bullshit.
Well, I thought it did.
I’ve been in some form of therapy since I was thirteen, I think. I do what people tell me to do. I listen to their words and try to internalize them. I hit heavy bags because it’s supposed to make me feel better. I’ve opened up my fucking chakras and balanced my ‘chi’. And yet, here I am, wondering where it all went wrong.
I think everyone who has had a therapy background can tell you that you develop a split personality (this is not medical and is only based upon my experience). Every single day, I have conversations with two different people. I have the Counselor Elspeth:
I can do all things through Satan that strengthens me blah blah blah. I am beautiful, I am worth it, I am funny, I am all the things. Cool? Cool.
And then I have this Depressed Elspeth:
It’s quick to remind me how fat, ugly, unintelligent, unworthy of praise/everything I am. It’s way better at its job than the Counselor. Go figure. It’s had more experience.
I know people love me, appreciate me, and cherish me. I do. I love you back- more than you will ever know. But I struggle with loving myself. That’s a hard thing to do, I think. Self-loathing is instilled early and is difficult to break.
It doesn’t help that I spent four years with a man who constantly doubted me. Who told me I looked like a “lesbian” when I cut my hair, and built a relationship with me based on lies. Who never trusted me to do anything other than spend my savings on bringing him here. The negativity was real and palpable, regardless of what I did to improve it. Date nights? I asked. Therapy? I asked. Opening up our relationship? I tried.
It solidifies who I see in the mirror every morning. I hate who I am, but I won’t stop because this self-loathing is ingrained. Because I am needed at work, I show up. Because it would be wrong to leave this life because people depend on me, I show up. Because I am supposed to be a loving and caring wife, I showed up. I was there when my partner wasn’t. I will always be there when my partners aren’t.
Relationships throw me the fuck off. I’m a very open person normally, but recently, I’ve not been able to open up to anyone. I know why that is- I cannot form meaningful relationships with humans that I want to hold my trust. Friends are fine. Casuals are fine. I don’t give my actual love out to anyone, though, unless they’re worth it. And that has been two people. And they have both destroyed my heart. After having spent my Friday night sobbing on the floor of First Ave (something I DO NOT recommend) when someone said something nice to me, I feel like I have some work to do, even though I would rather squash those feels deep down inside me.
I can give a lot, but I’m not perfect. I know I’m not. I know I can be unfair, terrible to deal with, and crotchety…I know I’m human.
Thus, I pretend to be okay. I keep things inside myself because I know I’m lucky and I’m loved. And I am technically okay. But I hurt. And I have zero self-worth. What a shock.