Let’s talk briefly about this shocking phenomenon I experienced yesterday.
Not only did I feel a feeling, but I was able to identify it! Yes, I realize this probably sounds like such a small accomplishment and you’re probably rolling your eyes like holy shit it took her 30 years to get in touch with her emotions, but this is a big deal for me. The simple act of being able to put a name to what I’m feeling is a huge accomplishment for a person who has routinely stuffed their emotions so deeply down into the dank, dark recesses of their cold, dead heart.
And what I felt was pride, in myself and in what I was doing.
Let me explain. I recently moved in an apartment of my own. I haven’t lived alone since I worked in Korea (2010), so this is a relatively new experience for me. It’s been marginally terrifying in the sense that there is no warm body next to me at night , but it’s also been fairly liberating. I’ve made a lot of changes in my schedule, picked up some new hobbies, and am, in general, doing quite well.
Yesterday, when I returned home from work, I walked my dog, made dinner and pre-made my lunch for the next day, did my laundry, and was ready to go to a meeting by 6 pm. And I have no idea why this made me feel as accomplished as it did; perhaps it’s because I’ve been relying on other people to help me with those things, and I now physically feel like I have the capacity to do them for myself. Is that a self-care thing? I don’t really know. But I felt proud of myself, and I can’t tell you the last time that has happened. I know, it seems trivial.
2017 really was not my year – divorced, house sold, cancer, surgeries, more surgeries, job moves, break-ups, etc. Up until about a week ago, I was so focused on the resentment that I held for all of these things (oh gods woe is me why is this happening to meeee). True, that list sucks a lot of balls, but I see now that all of it is what I make of it. I can choose to dwell on how “shitty” 2017 has been, or I can focus on changing myself to better handle those situations when they arise. Instead of perseverating on the “why mes?”, I can ask “why not me?” (this shit is going to happen to someone, after all) and then figure out how best to deal with it.
This has been your
gross personal revelation for the day. I guess feelings can be okay.
I finished chemotherapy last Friday! It is such a relief to have my Fridays free of poison. I am still deciding on whether or not I should/can do radiation, as it’s a huge time commitment and is physically exhausting. Everyone and their mother has an opinion on this, and I could probably write a lengthy post about how well-received opinions about my body are, but I’m trying to remember that they’re only coming from a place of love.
I do appreciate that people love me and want me to be around for a long time. Contrary to popular belief, I want that as well.